40 Days

It’s been 40 days since I lost my Mum.
40 days since I held her hand in mine, kissed her forehead and whispered “I love you” in her ear one last time.

A family friend mentioned that in his culture there is a 40 day mourning period,
though at this stage I can’t see an end in sight.
Some said to take it a day at a time, not to make any rash decisions,
that time heals all wounds, that whatever I feel is right.

People ask how I’m feeling..
Sometimes I feel fine. Sometimes I don’t know…sometimes I’m overwhelmed by the tide.
I begin to find my feet, then get knocked back down, wondering how I got on this ride.

I’ve felt..
Shocked that my Mum was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer at only 51.
Disbelief that she could be so sick, she was the healthy one.
Proud of her determination and her positivity.
Guilt for feeling so weighed down with responsibility.
Determined to make the most of each and every second.
Lucky to have such a close bond.
Open to this life’s lessons.
Loved and supported by so many who showed care.
Thankful, sometimes surprised, by who was really there.
Disappointed by countless uncertainties.
Completely lost, then like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
Overwhelmed by helplessness.
Motivated by hope.
Saddened by her pain.
Struggling to cope.
Heartbroken for losing her.
Numb to reality.
Lost without her here next to me.
Guilty for moving forward.
Not knowing where to begin.
Trusting and believing in that little voice within.
Grateful for raising me herself, for the life that she’s given me.
Thankful that she gave her love unconditionally.
Happy for the golden light she has brought to so many lives.
Sad that hers ended so soon, though glad her legacy survives.

The last 40 days feel like somewhat of a blur.
The first week, a flurry of funeral planning, surrounded by family and friends as we celebrated her life. Then I blinked and opened my eyes and began trying to find my feet as though for the first time.

The last 40 days have taught me that although I wasn’t sure how it could, time has somehow been and will continue to move forward..one day at a time. I will continue to feel sad, happy, proud, mad and sometimes even fine.

Little things will spark memories of her, bring up a smile, a laugh or tears.

I will love her, remember her, miss her..

For the rest of my years.

10 Comments

  1. Oh Chelsea, I am deeply sorry to hear of your loss. From what I read on your blog your Mom was a wonderful lady and I know you two were very close. Wish I was there to comfort you in person. I feel there is no time limit on mourning or grief. There’s a special place in our hearts for our mothers that will live on forever. I hope you are surrounded by loved ones during this difficult time.

  2. I so remember these feelings. My mom has been gone since the early 90s. I still miss her, but focus on all the good times we had together.

    Big healing hugs. ☺

  3. Thank you for sharing these honest thoughts, so beautifully written. This reminds me to get back in touch with my family and spend time with them while I have them. So sorry to hear about your unexpected loss.

  4. Chelsey I am so sorry to hear your mom passed away. 51 is way too young. It is wonderful that you have written your feelings out like this. It seems like part of healing and acceptance.

  5. That was beautifully written. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I can not imagine my mum not being around. Hopefully you have friends and family to share all of these feelings and memories with.

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